Hold my Heart (2)

Does anybody know how to hold my heart?
For real, not just temporarily. Not just pretending to hold it, long enough to drop it on the floor, right in front of me.
Not even I can know for sure. How could I? It's always changing, sometimes so strong and guarded that no one is allowed to enter. So strong that amazes me, so strong that is unreachable to strangers.
Other times, it's so fragile that I'm afraid it breaks just by beating. So desperate for something more that the walls I created soon fall apart. So vulnerable that tears fill my eyes by just the thought of simple things like being alone, by an existence so empty of meaning that no one would even notice I was here one day. By the lack of truth in people's lives these days, by the loss of good values, by the huge loss of all kind of important things that don't seem to matter anymore.
Did I get lost in between? One day I woke up and things were different? Or was it growing without me knowing about it?
Either way, I find myself confused about things I wasn't. That I shouldn't be. That I'd never even thought about, before.
Am I growing? Is it growth that's affecting me? It may be. Does growth make everything look bigger, darker and scarier? Yeah...I think so.
It's just...Every night I get in my bed and before I can fall asleep, I close my eyes and all these images and colours and thoughts run through my mind. Scary ones, happy ones. But both of them fill me with a mixture of despair and anxiety to live. Not sure if it's a good mixture, but I feel it in my heart. I feel it. And I have to think about other things, easier ones to let my brain rest.
Even my dreams are corrupted with the real world. I am not allowed to dream about my own. Not anymore. Can't pretend no more that hope solves things, that the truth is pretty. That the reality isn't cruel. That life, is like we wanted it to be.
How do we find the balance between the fear and hapiness? Do we have to share it with the people that love us? Or do we keep it to ourselves?
Maybe all we need to find is someone we can trust. Someone who is right for us. Someone who can, by the end of the day, hold our heart.
Does anybody know how? Can't I don't want to let go, too soon.

To be continued...